April: Gum

I know this year hasn't gotten off to a very Jyhad-y start, but NOW we've found something worth spite-ing!  Gum!  Do you remember those vapid airheads in high school?  Of course you do.  Do you also remember something they had in common?  No, not that.  Well, maybe that.  But I was referring to GUM!  Bubble Gum (known to some of us by its true name Nitrogen Bubble Gum), they market it with the MTV, and then make it in fifty dazzling flavors, and for what?  The Nitrogen and Smablogen leak from the moistened and chewed gum, into our mouths and into our brains!  Lately, the commercials have been more disturbing, as they have shown the gum dancing and sometimes spinning wildly out of control.  They admit, right to our faces, that gum have a will, and that will is to lower our intelligence.  Why?  If we're stupider, we'll buy more gum, won't we?  This is ONE mentally unstable man who WON'T be done in by such trickery!  *burns stick of gum.*  There.  I know, I know.  My loyal followers, what would we do about fresh breath?  WE can use the newly made holy TicTacs!  These small, but fierce warriors of fresh breath and holy enlightenment will do the job that those corrupt gum pieces had.

And we are also calling for the head of Gum, the short-skirted lass from Jet Set Radio and Jet Set Radio Future.  I will...uh...interrogate her.  Alone.  For a few hours at a time.  DON'T QUESTION ME!

March: Pecans

First, read this.  Now.

Those devil nuts must be stopped!  It's bad enough they burn down people's homes!  What's next for these toppings of disaster?  Human sacrifices?  They've started on that my friends with indigestion!  And the gas I get....Oiy....


February: Punctuality

What's pissing me off?  PEOPLE WHO ARE LATE!  They say, "Oh, I'll do this, and I'll do that."  Then, they don't do it!  Arrgh!  They can't be trusted.  We should take them out back and shake them down for their dog tags and extra rations.  We ought to drag them out from their cars by pressing the Triangle button, and hitting them with a bat until money pops out.  And THEN we threaten them further until they give the Precursor Power Spheres!  They'd be all like, "Wow!  You completed a side quest by monstrous amount of lateness!" and give our party 5 sphere levels free.  Then, after unlocking God Rugal and Super Akuma, they will have finally worked their debt off.


...'cause Allah knows, *I'd* never be late.


January: Monkeys

YES!!  Lo, when we thought that our Akitas would serve us well, they turn to our foes, monkeys, and are now used as the monkey's new steeds!!  Now, monkeys have invaded and spread their filth everywhere.  They are in our web comics, such as the Jar, they are in our GameCube games.  Oooh, I play it almost daily to bring those foul creatures to horrible deaths!!  They are even in our zoos, flinging poop and whacking the bishop in front of our very eyes.  They do not know that there's a time and place for that, and it's the closet!


December: Finals

All Dec, no Ember for my faithful followers.  Yes, the dreaded final exams of the term are upon us, and we must exterminate those fools.  Due to these terrible plagues, named Essay, Multiple Choice, and FillInTheBlank.  I could not even send this message to you due to Mark and Tom being struck with especially powerful versions of these diseases.  Tom was stricken so hard in particular, he thought he was a ferret for several days.  Kimmy was about to resolve herself to being with a small squirmish ball of fur until he had snapped out of it...  And Mark, oh, Mark.  The poor man was huddled in a corner muttering, "Can't sleep, the jam'll eat me..."  Poor boy.  He's recovering by placing him on a special diet of Harry Potter, sleep, and Nintendo.

So I say to ye, my faithful: Beware the ides of November, and April, for that matter.  Screw March.  What happened on 3/15?  Huh?  I saw a bunny.  That's it.  Beware the ides of March, my highly fanatic fanny....

November: Diablo 2

Gah!  Can a man not get a damn "Lem" rune?  Or a bloody Cruel one-handed sword?  Truly the demons in Hell must have invaded Blizzard, and their level 67 Server Technicians lacked the proper skills to fight off the hordes from the demonspawn.  I'm sure their "Sever No Crash" skill maxed out at 20, and their Amulets of +2 to "Realm Maintenance of the Grizzly Bat," which also increases their Customer Service resistance by 30%.  Unfortunately, when Diablo himself hits you with what an only be described as "Holy buttsex red beamy shit," No amount of Customer Service resistance will help you.

So, demons have overtaken Battle.net, and have reduced the probabilities of decent unique items to zilch.  Storm them!  Buy the Lord of Destruction Expansion Set and send those heathens a message: "Hey!  Where the f8^% is my rare s3!&?!"


October: TCBY

Fall is here, and so is the fall of another wicked empire.  I speak of the frozen demons that plague our malls, our shopping centers, and our cheap trucks stops.  I speak of TCBY.  Ti stand for The Country's Best Yogurt, but it REALLY stands for Terror Cow Bladder Yasmil.  (Yasmil, by the way, means "urine that we will fill fat bellies with."  It's in their training manual, in the back.  Read it sometime.)

Let me ask you this, my loyal Jyhaders.  Do YOU want your children, your mothers, your siblings, your spouse to fill their bellies with Terror Cow Bladder urine?  Certainly not, and certainly not your own.  Should we allow our newly acquired Akitas to suffer this bean-curd monstrosity?  No!

I must also tell you of how this threat came to my attention.  Ben and Jerry, friends of mine, told me this one night as we sprayed Cheez Whiz in our undies.  The shock of this was as great as the yellow color now staining my Hanes.  I thought all was lost, until we found our savior: Phish Food.  For this, Ben and Jerry have been promoted to sainthood.


September: Akitas

My loyal Jyhaders, I call now for a holy war to bring as many Akitas before me as you can!  Akitas are Allah's Moist Towelette.  They are Perfect after a nice Bar-B-Que (holy term for sacrifice), and one must wipe their hands of the honey-sweetened sauce from.  And Lo!  Did Allah send the Akita, offering its strong, yet yielding to the touch, fur?  Some may ask, "Isn't a Jyhad a war?  Who are we fighting?"

Simple.  Heathens who do not offer me Akitas.  And to offer an answer to the first part of the question: shut up.

Now, to bring me an Akita properly, you must paint "Scruffles is my friend, too" on one's chest, and tie them to a leash made of Twizzlers.  The Akita, not the person.  Oh, what the Hell.  Both.  Tied together.  Wearing shoes of butter.  Then, after strangling a manatee in the nude, one must...Excuse me?  I'm sorry, our time is up.  The Nice people in white are coming back.  Ah! My servants!  What have you brought--PUT THAT DOWN!  THERE HAD DAMN WELL BETTER BE A @#$*IN' AKITA IN THAT SYRINGE!!!

August:  You

Yes, you.  No, not you.  Behind him....a little further, now to the right, yes.  You!  You hive of sin and disease!  It makes me sick to think that you could house so much vileness within your puny, infantile....No!  not him, YOU!  Behind her!  No, not in front of her, BEHIND her!  Now to the right...MY right you imbecile!  Now then, you bag of pus and filth from the unclean lands.  My loyal army of Jyhaders will find you and crush you.  You must be strong to evade the my armies for so long, but now you cannot fend off all my minions so easily.  They trained diligently, fighting off the dreaded M&M curse, and have returned from their mission, successful.  You don't stand a chance.  I don't know what sorcery you committed to evade my detection earlier, but now our eyes are open to your vile, wrong, and just plain bad influence.  We shall see you to Hell, you.


July:  M&Ms

Yes, my brothers.  We must purge the land of he devil's delicious candy.  Yes, they melt in your mouth, not in your hand, but therein lies its WITCHCRAFT!!  Especially the red ones.  The color of HELL and brimstone itself!  Blue is in there, tempting you to indulge under the guise of a pure and righteous color, but no!  Inside beats the heart of Soulless candy!  The Green ones lie there, waiting for you to pop them into your mouth in the car, at the office, wherever good times are had.  Soon you will discover that it was green because it sparks the flames of jealousy and coveting!  And what of Yellow.  Sweet, innocent Yellow.  There is no such thing as "innocent" in their "fun size" bags of sins and tragedy.  Yellow is the ringleader of them all, and with his cousin the Brown, drive the M&Ms from tasty treat to morsels of the apocalypse.


So, loyal Jyhaders, declare war against the sweet, delectable bits of sin, and purge us from the shelled menace!